Love is 4 walls

November 14, 2016

EN/ It's been a month, since I wrote my last blogpost, and a lot happened meanwhile. Even though I diligently note all events in my journal, so that I can look back on them every now and again, one event really stood out the past month!

Maybe some people, who follow me on Instagram, already know - we have won the KPOP Dance Contest in Frankfurt! 

Yes, we have won the first place and I still feel so happy and proud, when I think of it. It's been a year now since I joined the crew and within this one year we have grown so much, personally, as dancers and especially as a family. Still there is a lot to learn and I hope that we will work even harder to achieve even more!

To be honest, all this dancing stuff is one of many reasons why I had such a long break on my blog. It is quite a time-consuming and emotive hobby. Back in April we participated in another contest. I remember all those endless training sessions, we put so much time, effort and energy in that project. But what really troubled me was that it would be my first performance since like forever! The last time I performed on a stage was when I was a younger kid! For some (stupid) reason I wanted to quit dancing and since then I've never performed or even danced again (I even thought that I unlearned how to dance - and sometimes I still believe it). But yeah, back to the topic, the contest in April really left me emotionally drained, the nearer the date of the contest came, the more anxious I became. I have to admit that my anxiety became so strong that I couldn't really enjoy our performance, our time on stage, I was nervous and anxious all the time! But fortunately we won, we won the first place and you can't imagine how happy we all were, I even cried. The moment we were declared as the winner of the contest we knew that all the effort was worth it. Absolutely worth it.

After that, I thought I had beaten my anxiety. We trained really hard for our performance last month, we are a big group of girls and we motivate each other as often as we can but unfortunately the same pattern repeated again. My anxiety came back. This time I tried not to give it so much attention, but well, you know - reverse psychology. Somehow I managed to push it into the corner of my mind most of the time but I could see it sitting there and staring at me! Like what the f*ck, please get out of my head... Shortly before our performance - we left the hall for a quick warming-up session - my anxiety kicked in really intensely. My heart was racing, I started to sweat, could not control my breathing, I cried, in short: I hyperventilated, I guess... The other girls tried to calm me, my bestest friend told me to get my shit together... The horror had its peak when we stood on stage and started our show. I swear my legs felt like concrete, the power of ones mind is so freaking strong! But after one or two minutes into the show my mind and body calmed down a little bit and then I entered a phase where I just danced and did not pay attention to anything else. I guess this is the feeling everyones been trying to explain to me: "You will forget anything as soon as you stand on stage, trust me, you will just perform".

Well, I wish I could just perform. My anxiety really stressed me out. Buttt the reason I'm telling you such a personal story of mine is that even though it started out as a really uncomfortable situation for me it turned out to be one of my biggest lessons I have gone through this year so far. I think it's one of the cosmic rules we can't escape from and have to encounter in our life (lol): overcoming your fears will lead to greater things (or somewhat like that), in my case it was winning the contest with my crew and growing personally.

I don't know how it will be the next time I stand on a stage. But I learned a lot about myself last month and I think I know now how to cope or at least deal with my anxiety. And I really have a wonderful crew. I don't know if anyone of my #shapgang girls will read this boring blogpost but I'm really thankful that they tried to help me and accept my weird being in this crew, lol.

I know, normally I blog in german (schreibt man das so?), but today I felt like blogging in english, this is my very first blogpost in english, so please bear with me, my english not good. If you feeling like your inner Grammar Nazi is coming out, feel free to leave a comment below but only constructive criticism, no hate! If anyone is interested in watching our show (who knows), you can write it in the comments and I will send you a link. And yes, it was a KPOP Dance Contest, so obviously we danced to korean music but I encourage you to give it a try, it's really not that bad and our show is only half as good if you turn down the music.

I hope you enjoyed todays storytime. Lots of love, Bao

Candid shot of silly me - again thanks to Supakul Production 


  1. You should keep writing in english, really liked this post! Glad that you're back on your blog, can't wait for more!

    P.S.: The pics are so pretty!! <3

  2. Glad you're back! It's great to read you more personally and more as Bao.

  3. Liebe Bao,
    ich werde mich dir mal anschlie├čen und meinen Kommentar auf Englisch verfassen :)

    I think it is a part of life to go through all of that. It's only natural to have those worries and thoughts when you are stressed and pressured. But the important thing is to overcome that all. Remember that nothing lasts forever. Sometimes I feel lethargic, empty and unable to do anything. I do lose myself sometimes and I do pity myself way to often. And I doubt myself that I am not good enough for things that I want to do. Often I set my goals too high not knowing that my limits can't reach my expectations. We have to allow ourself to be a beginner. No one starts off being perfect.
    But enough of those depressing words! Congratulations that your team won !! I wish I could see your performance. Sometimes when I'm bored, I dance to Kpop too. I even remember some dances just because it's fun (and because I am an hobbiless human being with nothing to do :D)

    Btw, I love your new layout and that you changed your blogname. It's easier now to see the person behind those posts ;)

    Much love,

    1. Hi Trang :)

      thank you very much for your kind words! I really appreciate that you took your time and read the whole blogpost!
      If you're interested in seeing the show, just let me know ;)! And nope, you're not some hobbiless human being, you're a very cool human being, if you enjoy dancing to kpop, haha!

      Lots of love,

  4. Tolles Outfit, die rosa Bomberjacke steht dir besonders gut.


© journalofb. Design by Fearne.